Tweens and Responsibility: Let Them Spread Their Wings

In recent years I've realized that my husband and I have entered the ”golden years” of parenting. The kids are no longer babies, but they haven't yet reached teenage hell. They play independently, they bathe themselves, and they know how to use the toilet. As a result, we get to have intelligent conversations with them, play complex games with them, and even teach them to get their own drinks and snacks. It's a glorious time to be a parent!

Unfortunately, the ”golden years” are not actually years at all. Apparently they only last about eight months or so. That's when you enter the tween years, and your sweet life becomes a roller coaster of tears and hormones.

My daughter is 9 years old, and her transformation from a pretty, pretty princess into a terrifying tween happened quicker than you can say, ”text me.” One day she just woke up with an attitude the size of grizzly bear. It's as if she read and memorized the ”Tween's Guide to Driving Your Parents Crazy.” (Or maybe she's the one who wrote it!) Regardless, our daily interactions with our daughter include a great deal of eye rolls, shrugs, and sighs.

One of the manifestations of her new attitude is an ongoing battle known as I Don't Want to Wear a Coat. I know it sounds silly, and I'll share some of our more vicious battles in future posts, but the coat thing has become a serious power struggle every time we leave the house.

The girl hates wearing a coat. She's warm-blooded by nature, and we call her The Radiator because she sleeps with no covers and still wakes up covered in sweat. Her cheeks are always red because she is usually hot. So whenever I tell her to put on a coat, it turns into World War III. She fusses and fights and stomps and complains and generally just makes my life miserable until I let her take the coat off.

So what's the solution? Do I exercise my parental authority and make her wear a coat? Or do I let her freeze and catch pneumonia in the cold?

I think I've come up with a good alternative: I listened to my daughter. I heard what she was trying to tell me every time she stomped and pouted. She was saying, "I'm old enough to make my own decisions about the clothes I wear. Let me make those choices, even if I'm wrong sometimes. It's the best way for me to learn."

So I did what she asked. Now every morning before we go to the bus stop, she checks the weather report online. If necessary, she walks outside to see how cold it is. Then she decides whether she will wear a heavy coat, a raincoat, a light jacket or nothing at all. And guess what? So far, she has made the right decisions. (Surprise, surprise!)

This small gesture has done wonders for our relationship. She feels more in control of her wardrobe and her body. I feel good about giving her some responsibility. It's a win-win situation. And what happens if she doesn't wear a heavy coat one cold morning? Well, I guess she'll be cold! It's the ultimate natural consequence.

So the next time your tween gives you That Look, and you know the one I'm talking about, take a moment to really hear what she's trying to tell you. She might be telling you she's ready to spread her wings a bit and venture toward becoming a young lady. Let her make some decisions, and let her make some mistakes. It's the best way for her to learn and grow.

How to Choose the Best Cereal for Your Kids

A mother shouldn't have to stress over something as simple as cereal, right? We all grew up on cereal. It's "part of a balanced breakfast," as the commercials like to say. I know I've eaten more Lucky Charms marshmallows in my life than I care to imagine! When we look at the side of the box, it's easy to see why we feel good about giving our kids a bowl of cereal in the morning. Most cereals are loaded with at least 25 percent of the recommended daily value of many vitamins and minerals. That's a good thing, right?

Not necessarily.

Being the nerdy label-reading freak that I am, I decided to look more closely at the sides of cereal boxes. Many of the most popular cereals are loaded with sodium, high fructose corn syrup and all kinds of weird ingredients I can't pronounce. The fact is, cereal is one of the most processed foods you can buy. And all those vitamins and minerals are not naturally occurring in the food. Manufacturers add them to sell more cereal. It's basically like giving your kids a multivitamin, which I already do.

So what's a mother do when all her son wants to eat in the morning is cereal? He loves Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats, which is not the worst cereal in the world. Its one of the lowest-sodium choices I have found, and it does have real sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. But I still felt like I could do better.

So I found a more natural alternative (at Walmart, believe it or not) called Mom's Best Naturals Sweetened Wheat-fuls. They taste exactly like Mini Wheats, but they are not loaded with fake vitamins and minerals.

Here are the ingredients in the Mom's Best Naturals cereal: whole grain wheat, evaporated milled sugar, gelatin. Freshness preserved with vitamin E.

Here are the ingredients in Frosted Mini Wheats: Whole grain wheat, sugar, brown rice syrup, gelatin, BHT for freshness. Reduced iron, niacinamide, vitamin B6 (pyridoxine hydrochloride), vitamin B2 (riboflavin), vitamin B1 (thiamin hydrochloride), zinc oxide, folic acid, vitamin B12.

The fact that Mom's Best uses natural vitamin E instead of synthetic BHT makes me feel better anyway. And knowing that my son is not getting overloaded with fake vitamins also helps me feel good about a more natural cereal. Plus it only has 10 milligrams of sodium.

I'm not trying to promote this particular brand of cereal. I'm just pointing out that all those ”healthy” vitamins and minerals might not be so healthy after all. Sticking with foods with the fewest ingredients is always a good rule of thumb.

Alternative Way to Treat Childhood Asthma?

My daughter was diagnosed with asthma when she was 3 years old. It has never been serious and only seems to flare up when she gets sick. She has only had one real asthma "attack" in which she felt she couldn't breathe and we had to give her the albuterol rescue inhaler. The other times have just been nonstop coughs and wheezing.

The doctors keep telling us she should outgrow it, but every time we think we're done with her asthma she gets another cough that brings that dreaded inhaler back into our lives. But I read an article recently that gave me some hope.

I'll tell you about the article in a moment, but first it's time for a quick lesson in asthma management: Right now, she's on two puffs of Flovent every day. Flovent is a corticosteroid that keeps her airways from becoming inflamed. Flovent is supposed to prevent asthma attacks and reduce the need for albuterol, which is a bronchodilator that relaxes the muscles in the lungs. Albuterol overuse has been linked to an increase in asthma-related deaths, so I try to avoid it as much as possible.

As for the Flovent, it seems to help keep her airways clear. She doesn't cough or wheeze anymore, and I don't have to panic whenever she gets a cold. But the persistent nag is always in the back of my mind: My child is taking steroids. Is this really necessary? Whenever I clean her inhaler, I imagine how the white chalky residue that builds up around the base of the inhaler is also building up in her lungs. Corticosteroids may also stunt a child's growth slightly. My kids are short to begin with, so an inch or two really matters! What's more, she tends to get lots of rashes and skin problems. Is this related to the suppression of her immune system from the steroids?

I'm an all-natural kind of mom. How can I justify any long-term, heavy-duty medication for my kids??

Samantha has her 9-year checkup at the doctor tomorrow. I plan to ask him if the Flovent is really necessary on a long-term basis. The article I mentioned, "Alternative Way to Treat Childhood Asthma," suggests that we could save the Flovent for actual attacks instead of giving it to her every day. I would definitely feel more comfortable with this. In addition, I am giving her nutritional supplements that are supposed to boost her immune system and hopefully help her body take care of itself.

It's a tricky issue because we're talking about a potentially life-threatening condition. But her asthma just doesn't seem serious enough to need medication every single day. Let me know if you've had any experience with taking a child off Flovent and using alternative methods. I'd be interested to hear what other moms in similar situations have done.

Sensory Processing Disorder Treatment Starts At Home

This post is dedicated to my friend Carrie who has been encouraging me to keep up with my blog posts. Thanks for the kick in the butt, Carrie!


The "punchy pillow" is a great way to relieve stress.

 This picture may look like a silly Saturday morning pillow fight, but it's actually a great treatment I've discovered for my son's sensory processing issues. Miles just turned 7, and the older he gets the more concerned I've become about his developmental problems. I can't get any help from his school or our insurance company, so I've had to do my own research and give him the best help I can at home. Let me start from the beginning, and hopefully my story will help other moms who are having the same problems.

Miles has always been a "quirky" kid. He sees the world through a lens that none of us can even comprehend. He is extremely imaginative and intelligent. He asks questions like, "At night is the sky black or just dark blue?" When I told him his friend Matthew was good at math, he said, "Oh, I get it...MATH-ew!" And sometimes he gets contemplative and says things like, "Life is kinda boring."

Not all of his quirky traits are cute, however. When he gets excited, he acts just like a puppy. He jumps on people, grabs them, pulls their hair, and even licks them sometimes! He is 7 years old, yet he eats like a 2-year-old. He stuffs food in his mouth and prefers his fingers to utensils. He makes a huge mess! And when he gets overstimulated, particularly after playing video games, he throws tantrums like you wouldn't believe. He screams, throws objects, punches the floor, kicks and stomps.

One of his most unusual traits is his gag reflex. If Miles sees a wet napkin, he will gag and sometimes vomit. He has had this problem since he was a baby, and none of us could understand it. He has thrown up at both Tropical Smoothie Cafe and Wendy's after seeing a torn or wet napkin! It's bizarre!

I had always just assumed he was being "Miles." That's who our quirky little kid was. But then I started doing some research on sensory processing disorder, and I realized that he wasn't just a weird kid. He has a real problem that can actually be treated.

For those who aren't familiar with sensory processing disorder, it is a condition in which a person doesn't process sensory input properly. According to the Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation, "A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively."

There are different characteristics of SPD. Some kids are "hypersensitive," meaning they are extra sensitive to sensory input. These kids hate loud noises and can feel every seam in every piece of clothing. Other kids are "hyposensitive," meaning they don't get enough sensory input. These kids crave certain textures and are very touchy-feely. They are messy eaters and often have crumpled clothing. It's common for kids to have a combination of characteristics. Miles is hypersensitive to loud noises, and he gags when he sees a wet napkin. But he is mostly hyposensitive because he likes to feel different textures and is a very messy eater.

The most common treatment for SPD is occupational therapy. So when I realized that Miles likely has SPD, I got a referral from his doctor to get OT services. He was evaluated and recommended for services, but our insurance company would not cover it. (This will be the subject of future blog posts.)

So I tried to get him some OT services through his school. They held a child study committee meeting, but they found that he was doing too well in school to qualify for special education services. He's reading way above grade level, and he brings home 100% on almost every assignment. They just couldn't justify putting him in special ed.

At this point I had already diagnosed my son's SPD myself, and it looked like I was on my own to treat it as well. So I went to library and checked out every book on SPD I could get my hands on. I now have some tools to help Miles with his sensory issues. Here are some things I have found that work:

Punchy pillow: When Miles plays video games, he gets overstimulated very easily. When things don't go his way, he stomps and screams and rages. We have tried punishing him for this behavior by taking away the games and sending him to his room, but it doesn't calm him down. Once he gets angry, he seems to have no control over his body. So I came up with the "punchy pillow." When he plays video games, he keeps a pillow nearby. When things don't go his way, he is allowed to punch the pillow all he wants. This gets out his anger in a safe way, and he is able to calm himself and focus on the game once again. It has worked wonders on his tantrums!

Karate chops: To prevent Miles from getting overwhelmed at school, I give him a rough massage in the mornings at the bus stop. I give him light "karate chops" on his head, shoulders, and back. He really enjoys it, and it seems to calm him down and allow him to focus at school.

Massage: Miles' favorite therapy technique is the vibrating massager. We have a little battery-powered massager that I rub on his head and back on a regular basis, and he loves it. It helps to relax him.

Since I have started using these techniques, I've noticed a big reduction in tantrums at home. I know they don't replace weekly occupational therapy treatment, and I am still fighting with the insurance company to get services, but for now they have worked wonders for him. Feel free to share your SPD advice as well. I'd love to hear from other moms in the same boat.

HERE ARE SOME BOOKS THAT HAVE HELPED ME:

Family Unplugged: The Results Show

Me on Unplugged Sunday: It's not what it looks like!

It is now 10 p.m. on Sunday evening. I have officially been "disconnected" for 24 hours, and I am ready to once again join the virtual world.

In case you missed my previous post, I was inspired by the Australian mom who made her family disconnect from all electronic devices for six months. So I made my family unplug for one day. We were not allowed to watch TV, play video games or use the computer all day. I called it Unplugged Sunday, and it was certainly an adventure!

I had expected to spend the whole day laughing and playing with my kids. I imagined the day passing like a movie montage from the '80s: One minute we'd be having a dance contest, the next minute we'd be making a craft, the next minute we'd be having a pillow fight, all the while laughing and hugging in slow motion with some Elton John song playing in the background.

I had expected to have some big revelation about the evils of the modern world and to report in my blog the next day that we had such a wonderful time during Unplugged Sunday that we decided to banish electronics from our home forever. (I didn't play out the fantasy long enough to realize I could no longer blog in an electronics-free home, but that's another topic.)

Unfortunately, Unplugged Sunday was not exactly what I expected. Things started off very well. We ate breakfast together, played with Legos, cleaned the house, and drew some pictures. I commented on how quiet the house was without a TV blaring or a computer humming. We talked a lot and listened to music. I found myself doing only one activity at a time, which is very rare for me.

Around lunchtime, Samantha helped my husband Jeff make his famous Italian meatballs. They had a wonderful time. Miles had a blast playing with toys by himself in his room, something he hasn't done in ages. I was able to run a couple of errands and brainstorm some story ideas (on paper, of course).

Then things started going downhill. Jeff tried to play a card game with the kids, but Miles started crying when he lost. He threw the cards across the room, and things just went from bad to worse. Jeff's mood began to deteriorate. All he wanted to do was take a nap. The kids were way too restless to sleep, so they started fighting with each other. I was jonesing to check my email and write blog posts about this disaster of a day.

I tried to keep things together by staging a family outing. I had to drag everyone out the door because no one wanted to go anywhere. We ran up to Party City to get some invitations for Miles' upcoming birthday party. I thought maybe being out of the house would inspire everyone to have some fun, but they just complained that they wanted to go back home.

We returned home with the family as cranky as ever. At one point, Samantha hit Miles and was sent to her room crying. Jeff kept complaining that I picked "the wrong day" to unplug because it was too cold and we had nothing to do.

I almost started crying myself. I told him it didn't matter what day it was because it was up to us to make it work. Of course we could "unplug" on some hot summer day and spend all afternoon at the beach, but that's not the point. The point is enjoying each other's company, no matter what we have planned.

I began to question whether our family was as close as I thought. Maybe we don't really have that much in common anymore, and by "unplugging" we are simply calling attention to this fact. Maybe we are so addicted to constant electronic stimulation that a "boring" Sunday with no real plans is a terrifying idea. Maybe our kids have finally reached the age where we can't spend "quality" time with them anymore. Maybe Unplugged Sunday has opened our eyes to the fact that we are not the family I thought we were.

Then Jeff brought up a good point. Even with electronics, the kids would be fighting. Even with TV, Jeff would be cranky in the afternoon and need a nap. Even with the computer, I would have worried and questioned and stressed about everything. Even with electronics, we would have all been bored and restless.

It wasn't the Unplugged part that went wrong. It was the Sunday part. It was actually a pretty typical Sunday afternoon for us! We had some good times and some not-so-good times. But overall, it was a pretty cool day that gave us all something to talk about and remember for years to come. Our family is more than OK. Our family is normal!

So what did I learn from Unplugged Sunday? I learned that electronics are not the evil force that I thought they were. They do not destroy families, just as a lack of electronics does not bring families together. Quality family time can be spent putting together a puzzle, playing a Wii game, or watching "Wipeout" together on Saturday night. It doesn't matter if electronics are involved. What matters is how you treat each other and the memories you create.

Will we plan another Unplugged Sunday? It's doubtful. I think we all learned something from the experience, and what we learned was that it's not necessary to "unplug" to spend some quality family time together.

Mean Girls: My Daughter's Best Friend is a Bully



Photo courtesy S.A.F.E. Network



My daughter has always been the quietest child in her class. She is PAINFULLY shy. She hardly talks to anyone, and when she does it's barely more than a whisper.

So when she started making some real friends in school last year, we were thrilled. We encouraged her to play with her friends at recess, and we had them over to our house to play.

The more we saw of Samantha's friends, the more we realized that her shy nature seemed to attract a certain kind of girl: the obnoxious kind. It seems that bullies have a "shy-girl radar" that draws them to my child like moths to a porch light.

We have talked to Samantha about choosing friends that treat her well, and she has managed to pick a few core girlfriends that are very sweet. But she is in third grade now, and apparently this is the year that girls are officially separated into those who are Bullies and those who are Bullied.

During the first month of school, Samantha was bitten in the neck by a bully. We'll call her "Nicki." Apparently, Nicki was pretending to be a vampire on the playground at school and chomped down on my daughter's neck. Then she told Samantha not to tell anyone.

Samantha was devastated and couldn't concentrate in school the rest of the day. After worrying about it all day, she finally told me what happened. I told the teacher, and things were supposedly taken care of.

I was relieved the situation had been handled quickly, and for several months Samantha didn't have much to do with Nicki. But one day last month, Nicki called our house. Phone calls from girlfriends is another new third-grade development. The girls get on the computer and play a computer game called Webkinz together for hours. I don't usually mind because the game seems very safe, and Samantha is good about getting off the phone when we tell her to.

So when Nicki started calling Samantha to play Webkinz, I simply reminded her to be careful. Nicki is NOT a nice girl. But Samantha said she could be nice sometimes, so I didn't see much harm in it: that is, until I tried to get Samantha off the phone.

One time I told Samantha she needed to do her homework. Samantha told Nicki, and Nicki proceeded to argue with her.

"I'm not getting off the phone," I heard Nicki say.

"I have to hang up," Samantha said.

"Well, I'm going to call Mary. I hope she's home because if she's not I'm calling you back."

"Please don't call back. I'm doing my homework."

They proceeded to argue for at least 5 more minutes until Samantha finally hung up.

Another time, Samantha told Nicki she needed to go because we were going to watch a movie. Nicki asked her why she had to get off the phone for that. Samantha relayed the question to me, and I said (pretty annoyed at this point), "Because I said so." Nicki then kept Samantha on the phone for another 10 minutes saying things like, "What if I just stay on the phone while you watch the movie?" Samantha literally had to hang up on her. She called back AGAIN, and when I answered the phone she hung up.

Another time, Samantha didn't want to talk to her, so we didn't answer the phone. She left us three long, rambling messages begging Samantha to call her back.

This is inappropriate, disrepectful behavior for a teenager, much less a 9-year-old. We are on the verge of having a conversation with Nicki's mother. We haven't heard from her in several days, so I'm hoping she has moved on to another victim.

I know this is only the beginning of the world of friends our kids are going to experience. I have talked to Samantha about how rude Nicki has been, and she doesn't really want to be friends with her anymore. Unfortunately, she doesn't know how to tell Nicki this. So for now we are just holding our breath hoping she "gets the hint."

Family Unplugged

I read a news article last week about an Australian mom who forced her family to “unplug” from all electronic devices for six months. The mom, a professional writer named Susan Maushart, has three teenagers. She banned the Internet, cell phones, iPods, television and video games. She even wrote a book about the experience cleverly titled “The Winter of Our Disconnect.”

Apparently, this experiment was very successful. The mom says her kids spent more time together, took up new hobbies, and did better in school.

This story inspired me to do some unplugging of my own. Too often, I have wasted entire weekends staring at a computer screen. My daughter, who is 8, comes home from school and immediately turns on the computer to play Webkinz with her friends online. My son, who is 6, has been known to play Batman Lego on Wii for hours at a time with no food, drink, or bathroom breaks. My husband trolls Facebook for hours watching every inane, vulgar video his friends post.

I’ve had enough. I want my family back.

So I decided to implement Unplugged Sundays. Starting this Sunday, no one in our house will be allowed to watch TV, play video games or use the computer for one whole day. We will have a full day of uninterrupted family time.

My kids may think otherwise, but I will definitely have the hardest time with Unplugged Sundays. I have at least five articles to write this weekend in addition to researching all the others I plan to write next week. But I go through with it for my family’s sake. I want to see what it’s like to live in reality again, to experience the world in a non-virtual way again. I’m tired of being a family of zombies.

My kids are just beginning to get sucked into the virtual world. While I can’t stop them from being a part of it, I can teach them the importance of purposefully unplugging every now and then.

I will keep you posted on how our Unplugged Sundays go. And if you try it with your own family, feel free to share your story with us!